Talkin' Baseball

There's a ton of college hoops excitement around here right now, but I am also starting to look forward to the upcoming Reds season, given the club's substantial off-season moves. You may question my use of the word "substantial", but let's face it: Bob Castellini has stepped up and shown a commitment to making the team and the organization successful.

The Dusty Baker and Walt Jocketty hirings are huge. These are two well-respected and successful baseball minds that are now helping lead the organization. Team them with Wayne Krivsky, who I feel has taken a bum rap (the man got us Brandon Phillips and the since-traded Josh Hamilton in exchange for nothing, and he has now put them in a contending position after starting with very little just a couple of years ago), and you have a respected, experienced leadership base.

On-field improvements are also evident. The pitching rotation has a lot of potential at this point. On top of Harang and Arroyo returning, you also have 3 of the following five pitchers to add to the rotation: a more experienced Homer Bailey, the newly acquired Jeremy Affeldt (who had decent bullpen numbers last year, especially considering his home ballpark was Coors Field), Johnny Cueto -- hopefully, Edinson Volquez, and Matt Belisle. And if the Reds are in a contending position at mid-season, they may have the opportunity to trade Dunn (or Griffey) for a decent pitcher, if necessary. I see a lot of potential, but at the same time, we have to temper our expectations in the cozy wind tunnel known as Great American Ballpark.

The veteran offense is there -- Phillips, Dunn, Griffey, Hatteburg, etc., the team's fielding is solid, and hopefully Javier Valentin can play catcher everyday, except when Arroyo pitches (don't want to mess with the chemistry with his cuz). And on top of all this, they have two stars waiting in the wings -- Joey Votto and Jay Bruce, who should both see a lot of playing time.

How long until pitchers and catchers report? It's getting close...

What's great about the American Idol tryouts!

I am one of the 30-something million viewers that check out American Idol. And I don't really care what unmanly responses I get. Or the old fashioned, "Do you how I know you're gay?" line. I only watch the show until the final 40 people, or whatever the number is. Y'know, when the people vote. As soon as the popularity contest starts, the show becomes unwatchable. The best singers don't win, and the gimmicky singers advance. However, watching the American Idol tryouts you learn a few things about music and American people!

1) The Big Three Know Music
Watch the judges (when a borderline to good person is singing, not a train wreck). They first, look at the singer singing. Then they look away an hear what they sound like on the radio or on a CD. Then they look back at the person to stop them. Then they judge the person, and they come to the proper conclusion virtually every time. Well, every time the editors of the show put someone good on the air.

As for the wonderful self-unaware (more about them later), they always say on their way out: "You will hear from me some day". Have we ever? Nope. Not at all. Why? Because they generally are, in fact, terrible. But that's not what cats say to them...

2) The self-unaware are great!
The self-unaware are the people who think they can sing, but actually sound like they have their jaws wired shut! Meanwhile, they all have the same reaction (in order):

Pride (in the singing job they did)

Shock (when Simon says that they're singing sounded like a fire engine backing over the firehouse dalmatian who was biting on the junk of a blue-balled frat guy)

Rage (how dare they question their shower singing?!?!?!)

Dismay (the argument)

Storming-out-of-the-room-to-continue-making-an-ass-out-of-yourself-on-national-TV.

These are the same people that routinely ask out the class babe when they are on the debate team, and are shocked at the perpetual rejection.

3) When your co-workers tell you that you should try out for American Idol. Get a second opinion. Then a third.
Nothing is better than when some sad bastard tried out for the show, and they bomb, only to follow it up with the comment, "my co-workers said that I should try out." If the judges destroy you, that should tell you the following:

a) You co-workers harbor a special kind of hatred for you. Meaning that not only are you hated, you are hated by everyone. Not only that, your co-workers discussed just how much they fucking hated you, like, every day, for years (they might even have a name for this club that involves your name and the word "douchebag" or "butt-munch"). Then they decided that they needed a break from you, and (as a kicker) to have you publicly humiliated at the same time.

b) When you return to work, know that your co-workers had a viewing party to watch you sing, taped it and they have it on their computers at work just waiting for you to do whatever you did to drive them crazy.

c) You need to start looking for a new job... in another country.

4) Assholes make the show!
And I'm not talking about Simon Cowell, (though you have to admit he makes the judging). I'm talking about the people that do the pre-auditions. American Idol has about 25,000 people trying out per location. What that means is the if The Big Three actually sat through a two minute audition of each of the auditioners without eating, sleeping or going to the bathroom, it would take them over 34 days to make it through everyone. I

nstead they have prescreeners (or at least I'm guessing). And these guys have to hear every singer (about 70% suck; 20% are karaoke all-stars; 5% have a shot; and 5% are fucking terrible). So one day some asshole got tired listening to crap, and decided just for fun to send then next really bad person through.

And then this guy came in, sang so seriously, and the prescreener kept a straight face, said something like, "YES! You are awesome! Go see The Big Three!!!!", and sent him on his way. The guy was really psyched, and couldn't wait. Then this happened: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwMjpt62Ja4.

Comedy gold!

Only a true asshole would have started this trend.

Shuffle up and deal

My level of participation in the poker world has been limited over the last few years by the restrictions imposed by federal legislation shutting down online gaming and my level of sleep deprivation caused by child rearing. I pledged that 2008 would be the year my absence would end. This past weekend I took my first step and played in a NL tournament. The solitude of my drive home provided time for me to formulate how I should gauge the successfulness of this year’s expedition?

2008 Success Variables:
Net Winnings or Losses $$$
Money Percentage = Number of Cashes / Number of Tourneys
Victory Percentage = Number of Wins / Number of Tourneys
Depth survived in the tourney (ex. 60 enter, 28th busted, top 47%)
Positive points for busting out when making the right move
Negative points for busting out when chasing or bluffing

My hope for this system of measurement is that I can qualitatively capture the overall experience. I’ve tried to utilize the Buddhist Philosophy of “Enjoy the journey”, but there isn’t a tournament to date where I have been sent to the rail and I haven’t felt as if I were just kicked in the balls. If I win, I’m walking 3 steps above the ground. On the painful flip side, if I lose, I feel as though summer has ended and the cute girl that I’ve invested the last 3 months in is returning home-- 3000 miles away.

So, you are probably wondering how I did this weekend. I was able to add one more item to my first time list (currently comprised of: made final table, won tournament, assumed roll of bubble boy). This time the new entry is PLAYED ONE HAND. The abridged version goes like this. I folded the first round and a half with marginal hole cards. My stack was mid-size at the table and I was waiting to enter a pot when I could raise. At the 30 minute mark, I look down to find two rolled up Aces, so I figure I should play. A raise of 4x the big blind by me took the players down to 3. Mr. Big stack bet out $400 on a flop of Qh, 8s, & 10s. At this point I have top pair and ~1200 in chips with 1400 in the pot. I put Mr. Big Stack on A-Q (he was playing pretty loose and had won a pot with K-9 a few hands ago) so I move all in. The other lady folds and he calls with Qc-9d. The turn is a 4d and the river……9h.

Yep that’s poker. To date, I’m down $115, 0% for Money and Victories and I’ve survived longer than 10% of the field. I get a point for making the right move when busting out (up for argument). I’m still working on how to weight the success variables to determine is this was a good day or not.

Follow-Up to Sitcom Post

Speaking of lessons learned from sitcoms, there are three requisite episode plots that every TV sitcom since 1984 has utilized when the show's writers just felt like mailing it in. If the networks and production companies really wanted to, they could very easily re-purpose these plots for current sitcoms during the writers' strike...

1) The "Parents/authority figures are out of town/let's throw a party" episode
Examples: The Cosby Show, 227, Growing Pains, Different World, the list goes on...
Teenage son/daughter or teenage son/daughter's peers: "Hey, my/your parents are gone, let's have a party, they'll never find out."
Party happens, destruction of property occurs, kids try to cover it up before the parents get back.
Surprise: Parents are home early and walk in on party OR parents arrive home after their trip and find a tell-tale sign of a party -- broken furniture, knick-knacks destroyed, etc. C'mon.
2) The "My friend/family member's pet died of natural causes or I lost the pet while I was pet-sitting, and now I have to replace the pet instead of telling the truth" episode
Examples: The Cosby Show, Growing Pains, countless others.
Requires no explanation -- imposter pet is purchased, imposter pet is often painted to look like real pet. The owner always knows it's a fake. This scheme was even utilized as part of the action in the film "Meet the Parents". This plot needs to be retired. It's overdone. Enough said.
3) The "One of the main characters is sick and is being a pain in the butt" episode
Examples: The Cosby Show, Who's the Boss? (eh-o...o-eh, Angeler!), 227, etc.
A bell is often given to the sick character to allow him or her to summon the character taking care of him or her. This results in annoying and petty requests by the sick character and a high level of tension between the two characters.
Seriously -- TV can and should do better than this.

Things that family sitcoms since 1984 have taught us.

With the writer's strike going on, I have been watching old shows, or reruns of shows that I do not normally catch, or just have not thought of in a long time. After seeing more than my share of family sitcoms. I have come to a few conclusions about real life that I have learned by watching the family sitcom.

1) Everyone has an obnoxious neighbor, relative, or friend that shows up entirely too much.

Examples: Full House; Family Matters; Everybody Loves Raymond; Cosby Show; Married with Children; Family Ties; Roseanne

This is called comic relief. But, in real life, if you really had a neighbor that just happened to be in your house all of the time, believe me, you would have had a restraining order slapped on them after about three weeks. Coming home to seeing Steve Urkel waiting for me, would be enough for me to move in the middle of the night like the Baltimore Colts, and change my name, and build a really wide moat around my property, and fill said moat with sharks and aligators, and rarely feed the aligators and sharks so they remain hungry all the time.

2) Men are really, really, stupid. Like IQ of about 85, stupid.

Examples: According to Jim; Still Standing; Home Improvement; King of Queens

The reason this exists is because feminists would start letter-writing campaigns and protests and burn down studios over just one "women are so stupid" joke. This have leaked over into commercials too. Dumb guy loses a battle of wits to smarter females all the time in advertising. And men? Don't really care. Which is why we don't think about it too hard Doug Heffernan's or According to Jim's Jim's crazy schemes fail miserably.

3) Any fat, goofy, dumb (but, semi-funny) guy can land a smoking hot robo-babe

Examples: According to Jim; Still Standing; Family Guy; King of Queens; Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Take a good long look at this picture: http://www.pazsaz.com/newsite/hiptv/pics/stllstnd.jpg. Back in reality there is no way this guy (who we have already established is fat and dumb, and probably marginally employed) is picking up a smoking hot wife like that. In real life, the exchange looks closer to this:

(While in a bar, HIM tries to talk to HER)
HIM (after eight beers, staring at her boobs): Hey, how are you doing?
HER (pulls out a can of pepper spray, empties the can in his face and the back up can down his pants (just in case)): Rape! Rape! I have a right to protect myself!
HIM (rolling in the floor in pain, crying while talking): I just said 'Hi'! What the hell was that?
HER (talking into a cell phone): Yes, is this 9-1-1? I have a man here who was trying to rape me, and I subdued him with pepper spray. Can you bring the electric chair straight over here?

4) Women are in charge of everything because men are really, really stupid. Like IQ of about 85, stupid.

Examples: Cosby Show; King of Queens; The Simpsons; Family Guy; Everybody Loves Raymond

Cliff Huxtable was not allowed to eat anything or fix anything or talk to the kids about anything important or tie his shoes. Homer can not save money, or do anything responsible. Peter had been diagnosed as technically retarded. Ray screws things up on purpose to avoid further responsibilities. And Carrie kicks Doug in the groin whenever he speaks. OK, I made that last sentence up, but the rest is 100% true.

5) Your kids are nothing like you: they are smart and/or dumb and/or athletic and/or talented and/or have totally different interests than either parent.

Examples: The Simpsons; Still Standing; Growing Pains; Home Improvement; Family Ties; Roseanne

Remember when the youngest Taylor on Home Improvement went from cute boy with a lisp to hate-filled goth in the matter of one season? No Simpson plays music other than Lisa and her sax. Carol Seaver was too smart for the family, and Mike Seaver was too dumb. Alex Keaton was a raging republic in the face of his hippie love-child parents.

I am pretty sure that most kids have similar interests to at least one parent. Right? You'd think so.

2008- Sports Free Zone??

What would it take for you to give up sports for one year?

I’ve been thinking about this question for the past 2 days. READ ABOUT IT HERE. After wrestling with the idea and seeing if I could get buy in from my wife (who is a major sports fan herself), I decided I couldn’t do it. Will someone else pick up the challenge and see how it changes your outlook on life?
Here are some basic ground rules I established while pondering this act of abstention:

· Any active following of sporting events would be strictly prohibited.
· No engaging in conversations about sporting events or any new regarding sports.
* I was not required to excuse myself from conversations regarding sports, if this would be deemed social offensive
· If sports were on inside a restaurant or home while I was present, all efforts should be made to engage in some other activity instead of viewing.

In the end, I decided that my price would be someone willing to pay me to write a book about the experience (that might sway my wife into participating).

Today was the end of the 2007 season for our beloved Bengals. The season ended on a good note, and Marvin Lewis has promised to shake things up over the offseason. To prepare for next season, let's take some inspiration from the below clip (the clip is actually from Super Bowl XXIII, not XXXIII). Enjoy...

http://www.youtube.com/watchTXm3aYJhhG0%26NR=1

If you don't know, you better ask somebody....

The basketball powerhouse in the Midwest is your very own DAYTON FLYERS. The national media is taking notice of this senior lead hoops team that is dismantling top 25 teams. Looking for a bracket buster this year...look no further than Brian Roberts and the boys.

Guiding Force

Counting Crows were right... I also wanna be Bob Dylan. The first post on this site should leverage the wisdom of THE MAN.