This site has been receiving traffic lately. Since the concept kind of died on the vine, I"m wondering "Who are you people?".
Is there a grass roots need awaiting the return of the Cincy Talent Show? Use the comments section to let us know. Let your voice be heard.
OCCUPY Cincy Talent SHOW
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Monday, May 19, 2008
More practical superpowers
If you could have a superhero power what would it be?
This question is the signature among my "Tom Questions", I ask this to vitually every person I meet, just to see what their answer would be and why. (Mine: The Force - run really fast, jump really high, levitate things (read: skirts and untucked blouses) with my thoughts, the Jedi mind trick would be awesome, force choke would be very usable, (and if it came with a lightsaber, I can't think of a situation that would be less awesome for having one at the ready.). Generally, I find that the top five are (in order): flight, x-ray vision (pervs), invisibility (rapist pervs), super-duper strength, and The Force.
I was thinking of this recently, what about powers that aren't standard must still quite useful. So I've thought of a list of superpowers that would be fun to have (complete with application), and in some cases what I'd rather have them instead of...
Come, join my insanity!
WHAT: The ability to telepathically make people REALLY REALLY REALLY have to urgently go to the bathroom (immediately, now!).
WHY: Hilarity! And swinging some odds to your favor!
USE: Well, let's say I'm watching a presidential debate, and I don't like a particular candidate... next thing you know their tense, sweating, making faces, and fighting urges (bonus for grunting).
USE-2: Or my personal fave would be right as Ben Roethlisberger drops back to pass for the Steelers when they play the Bengals. Imaging him getting the ball, tensing up, and then getting crushed on a tackle and shitting his pants. Downside? Not seeing one.
OTHER USES: Get the best man's speech to end early at a wedding reception. Get someone out of your office. Annoy the annoying guy at work while he's being annoying. Improve your view at a baseball game. Get out of speeding tickets.
ALTERNATIVE: The ability to telepathically make others fart.
WHY I DIDN'T LIKE IT: Funny. But not pratical enough for decent use.
WHAT: The ability to grow facial hair at will. (Though someone would proffer that I already have this power)
WHY: No committing, easily replaceble, change of pace.
USE: Any costume that would be made better by have a Fu, 'stache, porn-stache, goatee, soul patch, crazy eyebrows, a beard, or muttin-chops. Zero waiting time for facial hair eliminating that awkward is-he-growing-it-or-did-he-lose-his-razor phase.
ALTERNATIVE: The ability to grow body hair at will.
WHY I DIDN'T LIKE IT: Yes, you'd be warmer in the winter (kinda like a bear), but the clipping, shaving or waxing that might have to happen as a result.
WHAT: The ability to see if someone is lying.
WHY: Great buddy power the have with it: hair turns blue, nose grows, voice gets like Stewie's on Family Guy when he ribs Brian about that novel he's been working on. Practical!
USE: Buying a car. Being an HR Manager. At the very least it would be able to help me figure out what's really going on with people instead what they just want to tell me.
ALTERNATIVE: The ability to telepathically make someone feel really hungover.
WHY I DIDN'T LIKE IT: I've been really hung over, it isn't pretty,and at times not something I'd want others to experience.
WHAT: The ability to switch my energy level with somebody else's
WHY: Shut down the peppy person at the office when you're dragging ass. Get your kid to take a nap.
USE: You know her, you hate her. She's that girl at work that's always in a good mood, and always super-energetic. She's the one who starts the applause any time the boss finishes a speech. 90% of the time, she's got a name ends with an "E" sound (Sheri, Tracy, Carrie, Kathy, Shelly, Katie). She seems to have had about 10 Red Bulls before work started that day. And here you are with "A case of the Mondays", or just "A case of this job blows". And you have a project that needs done, and you're just exhausted from sleeping all weekend. Now, just clap you hands! Send "E" girl back to her desk for more Red Bull, and start getting productive.
USE-2: Any parent has been there. You're exhausted, and your kid won't take a nap. Well, relief is just this one superpower away. Clap you hands and he's sawing logs while you're doing anything else.
ALTERNATIVE: The ability to pee gasoline
WHY I DIDN'T LIKE IT: While this sounds great at first, though I haven't measured, I'm pretty sure I'll have to pee into my car about 20-40 times in order to full up my car. That just sounds like a lot of wasted time. Plus, I don't need wierdos trying to syphen my wang.
This question is the signature among my "Tom Questions", I ask this to vitually every person I meet, just to see what their answer would be and why. (Mine: The Force - run really fast, jump really high, levitate things (read: skirts and untucked blouses) with my thoughts, the Jedi mind trick would be awesome, force choke would be very usable, (and if it came with a lightsaber, I can't think of a situation that would be less awesome for having one at the ready.). Generally, I find that the top five are (in order): flight, x-ray vision (pervs), invisibility (rapist pervs), super-duper strength, and The Force.
I was thinking of this recently, what about powers that aren't standard must still quite useful. So I've thought of a list of superpowers that would be fun to have (complete with application), and in some cases what I'd rather have them instead of...
Come, join my insanity!
WHAT: The ability to telepathically make people REALLY REALLY REALLY have to urgently go to the bathroom (immediately, now!).
WHY: Hilarity! And swinging some odds to your favor!
USE: Well, let's say I'm watching a presidential debate, and I don't like a particular candidate... next thing you know their tense, sweating, making faces, and fighting urges (bonus for grunting).
USE-2: Or my personal fave would be right as Ben Roethlisberger drops back to pass for the Steelers when they play the Bengals. Imaging him getting the ball, tensing up, and then getting crushed on a tackle and shitting his pants. Downside? Not seeing one.
OTHER USES: Get the best man's speech to end early at a wedding reception. Get someone out of your office. Annoy the annoying guy at work while he's being annoying. Improve your view at a baseball game. Get out of speeding tickets.
ALTERNATIVE: The ability to telepathically make others fart.
WHY I DIDN'T LIKE IT: Funny. But not pratical enough for decent use.
WHAT: The ability to grow facial hair at will. (Though someone would proffer that I already have this power)
WHY: No committing, easily replaceble, change of pace.
USE: Any costume that would be made better by have a Fu, 'stache, porn-stache, goatee, soul patch, crazy eyebrows, a beard, or muttin-chops. Zero waiting time for facial hair eliminating that awkward is-he-growing-it-or-did-he-lose-his-razor phase.
ALTERNATIVE: The ability to grow body hair at will.
WHY I DIDN'T LIKE IT: Yes, you'd be warmer in the winter (kinda like a bear), but the clipping, shaving or waxing that might have to happen as a result.
WHAT: The ability to see if someone is lying.
WHY: Great buddy power the have with it: hair turns blue, nose grows, voice gets like Stewie's on Family Guy when he ribs Brian about that novel he's been working on. Practical!
USE: Buying a car. Being an HR Manager. At the very least it would be able to help me figure out what's really going on with people instead what they just want to tell me.
ALTERNATIVE: The ability to telepathically make someone feel really hungover.
WHY I DIDN'T LIKE IT: I've been really hung over, it isn't pretty,and at times not something I'd want others to experience.
WHAT: The ability to switch my energy level with somebody else's
WHY: Shut down the peppy person at the office when you're dragging ass. Get your kid to take a nap.
USE: You know her, you hate her. She's that girl at work that's always in a good mood, and always super-energetic. She's the one who starts the applause any time the boss finishes a speech. 90% of the time, she's got a name ends with an "E" sound (Sheri, Tracy, Carrie, Kathy, Shelly, Katie). She seems to have had about 10 Red Bulls before work started that day. And here you are with "A case of the Mondays", or just "A case of this job blows". And you have a project that needs done, and you're just exhausted from sleeping all weekend. Now, just clap you hands! Send "E" girl back to her desk for more Red Bull, and start getting productive.
USE-2: Any parent has been there. You're exhausted, and your kid won't take a nap. Well, relief is just this one superpower away. Clap you hands and he's sawing logs while you're doing anything else.
ALTERNATIVE: The ability to pee gasoline
WHY I DIDN'T LIKE IT: While this sounds great at first, though I haven't measured, I'm pretty sure I'll have to pee into my car about 20-40 times in order to full up my car. That just sounds like a lot of wasted time. Plus, I don't need wierdos trying to syphen my wang.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Ten Reasons Why I'm Becoming One With The Madness
The ball is tipped
and there you are
you're running for your life
you're a shooting star
OK, lame lyrics aside the NCAA Hoops Tournament give me a lot to look forward to every year, and always delivers. And not just the money for the pools. Or the polarizing it does in workplaces everywhere. Here's why I'm psyched about the 2008 edition of March Madness.
10) I'm not allowed to use March Madness, and neither are you!!!!
The NCAA (much like the rest of us, probably), got sick and tired of every car dealer having "March Madness", and decided to leave the crazy, short, pasty, crusty, awkward, unoriginal white guys in a massive lurch. How else can there where unis and hiked up striped gym socks? Do we really need to know that a car dealership is dunking on the competition? Do we care that furniture store is taking it to the hoop for savings? NO! Thank you NCAA for learning about trademarks and quashing these stupid efforts of mental debris!!!
9) The "My Team" Bandwagon.
This goes out to those non-committal fans who refuse to say who they root for until the Final Four. And then they have been a North Carolina fan all of their lives. Hey, whatever makes you feel better about yourself. I have one of these at work. Favorite college football team: Ohio State; college hoops: North Carolina. B'What?!?!?!?! I used to hate this. But now I really enjoy it. It hilarious to see these people in action. In college, there was a guy where the joke stuck that his four favorite teams always made the Final Four, every single year! He always seemed to have some bizarre connection to every good team in the tournament.
8) Homerism.
Different than the "My Team" bandwagon. It is where a Kentucky fan picks Kentucky to win the entire tournament, when they probably won't make it out of the first round. High comedy. PLEASE ENTER MY POOL!!!! I'M BEGGING! Seriously, it's OK to fill out one bracket in one tournament saying that you think that UMBC will win the tournament, but in every bracket?
7) All hoops, all the time.
No matter where you go during the first weekend of the tournament, hoops will be on. Wedding: hoops. Funeral: hoops. Child's birth: hoops. Divorce proceedings: hoops. Prison execution: hoops. Work: hoops. Speeding violation: hoops. Monastery: hoops. Hanging out with "The Gimp" from Pulp Fiction: hoops. You can't get away from it, and nor should you. This is the World Cup, but the American version. Thursday and Friday of the first week should be half-days anyway because nobody actually give 100% at work in those afternoons, they are taking 2-hour lunches and feverishly hitting "refresh" on internet browsers look for an update.
And if you are one of those people that sees this as childish or a waste of time. You are missing a soul!
6) Brackets.
Favorites only? Favorite colors only? Where you'd rather live? Mascot fight? Coach fight? Alma Maters? Where your kids go? Coin flips? Doesn't matter, fill them out and enjoy! For three weeks, I do not not have my brackets with me, highlighting and crossing out winners and losers.
5) Hating Jim Nantz, Clark Kellogg, and Billy Packer
Jim Nantz would rather call The Masters or the NFL, it's obvious, but he's got to do the tournament too. He fakes it really well, but you can tell that he rather be sneaking on to Augusta for a courtesy round instead of watching these games while sitting next to the Dick-Vitale-hating-machine himself, the bitter, angry Billy Packer. Packer hates that Vitale and Bill Raftery and EVERY SINGLE OTHER COLOR COMMENTATOR is liked more than he is. So instead of trying to make himself more likable, he just decides to make himself more of an asshole. And he add 5-10% more asshole every single year. Maybe he's frustrated because he's kicking it to Clark Kellogg who for the past ten years has not been able to find camera two. He keeps looking at Greg Gumbel instead of the camera. And for some reason this is OK each year. Let's fit him with a shock collar so that when he turns to talk to Greg, he gets a buzz. Illegal? Yes. Unfair? Probably. Hilarious? Hell yeah!!!!
4) The selling out of Dick Vitale
Dick Vitale is a man who pitches for a lot of things. Fighting Cancer (awesome). Staying in School (awesome). Not going to NBA until you are ready (awesome). Being highly caffeinated 24 hours per day (awesome). Having your own lingo (scrumptrilecent). DiGiorno Pizza (OK, I guess, if you have to pitch SOMETHING). Hooters (Come ON! REALLY?!?!?!?!). That's just not him. And even if Dickie V has some dirty old man in him, he shouldn't be flying this flag that high. I almost wish that Vitale got on the air and said that he has an evil twin, Nick Vitale, out to sully his image, hence the Hooters ads.
3) Loving Gus Johnson, Seth Davis, Bill Raftery, Jay Bilas, and Greg Gumbel
Gus Johnson makes every game sound special. That's a gift, in this day and age. He plays to the crowd and to the moment. Seth Davis' brains have brains when talking about college hoops. I'm not normally a fan of Greg Gumbel, but he does a great job taking and giving control for three weekends. And I finally figured out how Jay Bilas gets away from ESPN to go to CBS for one weekend: he's a lawyer, he probably declared himself a corporation and loans himself out as a consultant; brilliant (and needed). Bill Raftery is an original. He had his own lingo, he adds to replays, he makes games exciting, he's the anti-Packer!
2) The invasion of the white guys at the end of the bench...
Everyone loves an upset. And why not? Even if you are in a bracket trying to win cash, you can't help but to get swept up in the upset, and rooting for a #14 to knock off a #3. It's fun. And the best is when the cameras show the white guys at the end of the bench, who have gotten a total of 3 minutes to play all season. And they are going crazy on every play. Their most popular moves are: 1) jumping up and down when a big shot is hit; 2) sitting arms locked together during crucial free throws; 3) boxing each other out so no one gets called for a technical foul while they are getting excited (because a ref would call that during that point in a game, whatever); 4) sprinting on to the court to mob teammates to celebrate an upset victory.
It is equal parts: hilarious, endearing, movie-like, and fun.
1) No more Joakim Noah.
Joakim Noah replaced Christian Laettner as "The least manly looking basketball player that we are being forced to look at way too much and have gotten to the point where we've run jokes for him or creative ways to question his sexuality" award. To make matters worse, we had to look at him for two straight years because Florida won the title for two years in a row. If he came back for his senior year, I might have boycotted watch the tournament, because his primal yells were pre-pubescent (and all too frequent), CBS LOVED showing him on camera, he looks like Denise Huxtable, and his famous parents looked like they had no clue what basketball was. I'm so glad he's gone, I just hope they don't have him in a montage accidentally, I might still freak out.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Sports Movies: No Volleyball, Extreme Sports, or MMA?
So I was playing volleyball the other night (lost two out of three), and we were talking after the game that there is not a volleyball movie that any us could come up with. And when you think about what other sports have had movies, how has volleyball not made the list...
Disclaimer - This doesn't mean that I've actually watched any of these, especially the more obscure/embarrassing ones.
GENERALLY ACCEPTED AS MAJOR SPORTS...
* Football - Any Given Sunday, Longest Yard (twice), The Waterboy, Necessary Roughness, North Dallas Forty, Brian's Song, Wildcats, All The Right Moves.
* Baseball - The Natural, Major League, Bad News Bears, Rookie of the Year, Sandlot.
* Basketball - Hoosiers, The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh, Fastbreak, Semi-Pro, Blue Chips, The Air Up There, He Got Game, Above The Rim.
* Hockey - Slap Shot, Youngblood, Miracle.
* Golf - Tin Cup, Happy Gilmore, The Greatest Game Ever Played, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Caddyshack.
* NASCAR - Days of Thunder, Talladega Nights.
GENERALLY ACCEPTED AS NOT MAJOR SPORTS...
* Tennis - Wimbledon.
* Boxing - Rocky I, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Rocky Balboa, Raging Bull, Diggstown, Gladiator, Million Dollar Baby, Cinderella Man.
* Running - Chariots of Fire, Running Brave
* Cheerleading - Bring It On (and sequels).
* Bobsledding - Cool Runnings.
* Dodgeball - Dodgeball.
* Beer Drinking - Beerfest.
* Cycling - Breaking Away.
* Gymnastics - Stick It, Gymkata.
* Wrestling - Vision Quest.
* Ping Pong - Balls of Fury.
* Billiards - The Color of Money.
* Arm Wrestling - Over the Top.
* Spelling - Akeelah and the Bee.
* Chess - Searching for Bobby Fisher.
* Soccer - Victory, Kicking and Screaming.
* Karate - Karate Kid.
* General Organized Fighting - Anything involving Jean Claude Van Damme, Fight Club, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat.
* Figure Skating - Blades of Glory, Cutting Edge.
* Poker - Rounders.
* Horse Racing - Seabiscuit, Black Beauty.
* Cornhole - Cornhole (coming soon)
28 sports with movies to that genre.
Sports that are not on the list: Volleyball, MMA (give it some time), LaCrosse (perhaps a little too new into the mainstream), Extreme Sports (see LaCrosse), Swimming.
Some sports are harder than others due to the skill of the sport (LaCrosse, Extreme Sports). Swimming is hard and not as interesting to film. Volleyball's easy. Get Elisha Cuthbert and a bunch of unknown hotties with nice asses and long legs and make the movie. Cost: $10-15 million; Revenue: $40-million. Done!!!
Disclaimer - This doesn't mean that I've actually watched any of these, especially the more obscure/embarrassing ones.
GENERALLY ACCEPTED AS MAJOR SPORTS...
* Football - Any Given Sunday, Longest Yard (twice), The Waterboy, Necessary Roughness, North Dallas Forty, Brian's Song, Wildcats, All The Right Moves.
* Baseball - The Natural, Major League, Bad News Bears, Rookie of the Year, Sandlot.
* Basketball - Hoosiers, The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh, Fastbreak, Semi-Pro, Blue Chips, The Air Up There, He Got Game, Above The Rim.
* Hockey - Slap Shot, Youngblood, Miracle.
* Golf - Tin Cup, Happy Gilmore, The Greatest Game Ever Played, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Caddyshack.
* NASCAR - Days of Thunder, Talladega Nights.
GENERALLY ACCEPTED AS NOT MAJOR SPORTS...
* Tennis - Wimbledon.
* Boxing - Rocky I, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Rocky Balboa, Raging Bull, Diggstown, Gladiator, Million Dollar Baby, Cinderella Man.
* Running - Chariots of Fire, Running Brave
* Cheerleading - Bring It On (and sequels).
* Bobsledding - Cool Runnings.
* Dodgeball - Dodgeball.
* Beer Drinking - Beerfest.
* Cycling - Breaking Away.
* Gymnastics - Stick It, Gymkata.
* Wrestling - Vision Quest.
* Ping Pong - Balls of Fury.
* Billiards - The Color of Money.
* Arm Wrestling - Over the Top.
* Spelling - Akeelah and the Bee.
* Chess - Searching for Bobby Fisher.
* Soccer - Victory, Kicking and Screaming.
* Karate - Karate Kid.
* General Organized Fighting - Anything involving Jean Claude Van Damme, Fight Club, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat.
* Figure Skating - Blades of Glory, Cutting Edge.
* Poker - Rounders.
* Horse Racing - Seabiscuit, Black Beauty.
* Cornhole - Cornhole (coming soon)
28 sports with movies to that genre.
Sports that are not on the list: Volleyball, MMA (give it some time), LaCrosse (perhaps a little too new into the mainstream), Extreme Sports (see LaCrosse), Swimming.
Some sports are harder than others due to the skill of the sport (LaCrosse, Extreme Sports). Swimming is hard and not as interesting to film. Volleyball's easy. Get Elisha Cuthbert and a bunch of unknown hotties with nice asses and long legs and make the movie. Cost: $10-15 million; Revenue: $40-million. Done!!!
Friday, February 15, 2008
The Case for Basketball as the Preeminent Sport- Part I
On the eve of the half way point in this year’s basketball season, let us all take a moment to reflect on the supreme American Sport—Basketball. The superiority of basketball is not held in its legendary teams, super star players, or even post season structure….the game of basketball is the finest sport because of its beauty of motion that celebrates the modern day Renascences athlete.
The Structure of the Game-
The game of basketball is executed as an organic system, with each individual member acting and reacting off the other participants. Each player adjusts to the transition between offensive and defensive motion and their role in the environment. To be great in basketball, you must be able to be performing your primary responsibility while always adjusting to the situation in front of you. The role of each player is contingent upon the corresponding actions and placement of their teammates. In a given situation, the primary scorer might help the team more with assists if they face a defense that double or triple teams.
Other sports delay action for wholesale changes in personnel, mirroring a paparazzi shift change on Brittany Spears suicide watch. The personnel changes are subject to the possession of the ball. Basketball operates more like a ballet with out a musical score, a fluid transition between offensive and defensive motion.
The Versatile Thinking Athlete-
Basketball is a game that showcases the utility of their 5 tool athlete (shoot, rebound, pass, dribble, and play defense), unlike sports that predicate themselves on player specialization as their central role in the organization- ex. Football (throw, catch, block, tackle, kick), Baseball (pitch, field, bat) or Track (run, jump, throw). If a player is out of shape (Shawn Kemp-The Fat Years) their actions are restricted and their overall game is ineffective. In other football or baseball, being overweight and out of shape doesn’t stop your contribution to the game, it just changes your role. Take Sam Madison (DT who needs oxygen from running off the field) or John Kruk (a 300+ pound First Baseman who you could time running to bags with a stop watch). Fat and out of shape players don’t make the cut in elite sports.
The Venue-
The beauty of going to a basketball game is that you don’t have to guess about the weather conditions during the game. There is a huge premium on the consistency of a sporting event and the ability to take the variable of extreme temperatures or inclement weather out of the pre-game planning. Sitting in the blistering heat of a mid-day baseball game in July or a wintry November NFL game is reason to enjoy HD TV in the comfort of your own house. Sports are a leisure activity that shouldn’t bestow hardship on its fan base. It’s completely unacceptable to come home from a sporting event with a cold from being in the rain—unless you were playing in the event.
TO BE CONTINUED.........
The Structure of the Game-
The game of basketball is executed as an organic system, with each individual member acting and reacting off the other participants. Each player adjusts to the transition between offensive and defensive motion and their role in the environment. To be great in basketball, you must be able to be performing your primary responsibility while always adjusting to the situation in front of you. The role of each player is contingent upon the corresponding actions and placement of their teammates. In a given situation, the primary scorer might help the team more with assists if they face a defense that double or triple teams.
Other sports delay action for wholesale changes in personnel, mirroring a paparazzi shift change on Brittany Spears suicide watch. The personnel changes are subject to the possession of the ball. Basketball operates more like a ballet with out a musical score, a fluid transition between offensive and defensive motion.
The Versatile Thinking Athlete-
Basketball is a game that showcases the utility of their 5 tool athlete (shoot, rebound, pass, dribble, and play defense), unlike sports that predicate themselves on player specialization as their central role in the organization- ex. Football (throw, catch, block, tackle, kick), Baseball (pitch, field, bat) or Track (run, jump, throw). If a player is out of shape (Shawn Kemp-The Fat Years) their actions are restricted and their overall game is ineffective. In other football or baseball, being overweight and out of shape doesn’t stop your contribution to the game, it just changes your role. Take Sam Madison (DT who needs oxygen from running off the field) or John Kruk (a 300+ pound First Baseman who you could time running to bags with a stop watch). Fat and out of shape players don’t make the cut in elite sports.
The Venue-
The beauty of going to a basketball game is that you don’t have to guess about the weather conditions during the game. There is a huge premium on the consistency of a sporting event and the ability to take the variable of extreme temperatures or inclement weather out of the pre-game planning. Sitting in the blistering heat of a mid-day baseball game in July or a wintry November NFL game is reason to enjoy HD TV in the comfort of your own house. Sports are a leisure activity that shouldn’t bestow hardship on its fan base. It’s completely unacceptable to come home from a sporting event with a cold from being in the rain—unless you were playing in the event.
TO BE CONTINUED.........
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Bad Valentine's Day Gift Ideas - In Honor of THE CHIEF!
In honor of a college friend who during his FIRST senior year (of about seven senior years) for Valentine's day gave his beautiful girlfriend, (seriously, she was very attractive) two dozen long-stem red roses AND a workout schedule built around her academic schedule to work on her "problem areas", I'm not making this up), AND DID THIS ON FRONT OF TWO OF OUR FRIENDS!!!! She dumped him two days later. Probably because that is the amount of time it took to get over the shock.
This goes out to The Chief, whereever he may be. Here is a list of 22 terrible ideas for Valentine's Day (in disgusting pink and red colors as a shout out to easily the strangest freaking holiday of the year)...
This goes out to The Chief, whereever he may be. Here is a list of 22 terrible ideas for Valentine's Day (in disgusting pink and red colors as a shout out to easily the strangest freaking holiday of the year)...
- Removal of a tattoo of your old girlfriend's name.
- A box of condoms.
- Any household cleaning supply.
- A date involving a trip to see Rambo.
- A Fathead of a Swimsuit model to hang in the kitchen for motivation.
- Chocolate to someone on a diet.
- Any certificate involving "some lovin'"
- A stipper pole installed in the bedroom (unless your house was featured on MTV Cribs)
- A romantic dinner at BW3 that just happens to be during the Duke-UNC basketball game.
- Any car maintance.
- Books about weather or finance or travel involving a place you can not possibly afford.
- Any jewelery that says "Made in China".
- Pijamas with feet.
- A shout out on your BLOG!!!!!!!!
- A picture of you naked.
- Cash!
- Anything with a plug.
- Nothing.
- Installing a mirror on the ceiling of the bedroom.
- Cooking lessons.
- Shaving and/or gift-wrapping your junk (or package or whatever penis euphemism you can think of).
- A piss-happy pet. Or any cute animal that would take focus away from you or cause late-nights or house breaking or the inability to go out as much.
The origin of St. Valentine. What the fuck does this have to do with love?
(source: Wikipedia)
St Valentine was persecuted as a Christian and interrogated by Roman Emperor Claudius II in person. Claudius was impressed by Valentine and had a discussion with him, attempting to get him to convert to Roman paganism in order to save his life. Valentine refused and tried to convert Claudius to Christianity instead. Because of this, he was executed. Before his execution, he is reported to have performed a miracle by healing the blind daughter of his jailer.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Settle It In the Ring
The Presidential Debates have hit the point in the campaign where the speeches have become background noise to the general population. The process of elected our President is crucial to the future course of you country and this individual will establish the trajectory for our common good. I have a solution to this problem of stale debates and endless primary stops across the nation.
Allow the celebrities that endorse the candidates take an active role in the process and hem to represent them in the WWF sponsored Steel Cage match. This event will be structured as a tag team battle royal cage match, using standard cage match rules. The first contestant to have their feet hit the floor and stand with their candidate will the Debate Winner and receive 50 delegates.
Three teams will be created based on viability and aligned by ideology:
The Crazy Christians Team (Huckabee)- Rick Flair and Chuck Norris- Escorted by Pat “Mouth of the Lord” Robertson
Kill ‘em All (McCain)- Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone—Escorted by Joe “The Brain” Lieberman
Whimpy Liberals Team (Obama/Clinton)- Hulk Hogan and 50 Cent—Escorted by Oprah (in a replica Miss Elisabeth gown).
Recap of the event:
• Vegas set the pre-fight odds to win match: CC- 4:1, WLG&A 5:2, WL 3:1
• Best Prefight Interview Line: Team Crazy Christians- “Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.—WOOOOOOOO!” while talking to Keith Oberman and Rowdy Roddy in the Piper's Pit.
• Best Ring Team Attire Outfit: Arnold dressed from Predator and Sly from Rambo
• Best Entrance Song: Hogan and 50 with their Freestyle Rap “Brother”
• Match Announcers- Tim Russert and Jesse Ventura- each wearing a bowa
• Special Guest Referee- Shaq (no political interest—just keeping the peace “Big Bossman Style”
• Key Ring Match Ups- Roid Rage in Smallville- Sly vs. 50 Cent in the battle of 5’5” and under crowd. This fight was escalated with Sly try to say “caucus” and 50 thought he said “Craker Ass”—no one calls 50 Craker Ass.
• Best outside the Ring Action- Anne Coultre ran to the ring during the match to assist the Crazy Christians, but Oprah snatched her ass to the ground and beat her over the head with a copy of the "Secret".
Winners- Team Crazy Christians- Chuck Norris knocks down an entire section of the cage with a roundhouse kick and joins Mike Huckabee with Mean Gene Okerlund for the post fight interview "Blah, Blah, There is no science, Blah, Blah".
What can we all learn from the world of Professional Wrestling? You can't take Huckabee too lightly, no matter what size the crackpot that he has supporting him.
Allow the celebrities that endorse the candidates take an active role in the process and hem to represent them in the WWF sponsored Steel Cage match. This event will be structured as a tag team battle royal cage match, using standard cage match rules. The first contestant to have their feet hit the floor and stand with their candidate will the Debate Winner and receive 50 delegates.
Three teams will be created based on viability and aligned by ideology:
The Crazy Christians Team (Huckabee)- Rick Flair and Chuck Norris- Escorted by Pat “Mouth of the Lord” Robertson
Kill ‘em All (McCain)- Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone—Escorted by Joe “The Brain” Lieberman
Whimpy Liberals Team (Obama/Clinton)- Hulk Hogan and 50 Cent—Escorted by Oprah (in a replica Miss Elisabeth gown).
Recap of the event:
• Vegas set the pre-fight odds to win match: CC- 4:1, WLG&A 5:2, WL 3:1
• Best Prefight Interview Line: Team Crazy Christians- “Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.—WOOOOOOOO!” while talking to Keith Oberman and Rowdy Roddy in the Piper's Pit.
• Best Ring Team Attire Outfit: Arnold dressed from Predator and Sly from Rambo
• Best Entrance Song: Hogan and 50 with their Freestyle Rap “Brother”
• Match Announcers- Tim Russert and Jesse Ventura- each wearing a bowa
• Special Guest Referee- Shaq (no political interest—just keeping the peace “Big Bossman Style”
• Key Ring Match Ups- Roid Rage in Smallville- Sly vs. 50 Cent in the battle of 5’5” and under crowd. This fight was escalated with Sly try to say “caucus” and 50 thought he said “Craker Ass”—no one calls 50 Craker Ass.
• Best outside the Ring Action- Anne Coultre ran to the ring during the match to assist the Crazy Christians, but Oprah snatched her ass to the ground and beat her over the head with a copy of the "Secret".
Winners- Team Crazy Christians- Chuck Norris knocks down an entire section of the cage with a roundhouse kick and joins Mike Huckabee with Mean Gene Okerlund for the post fight interview "Blah, Blah, There is no science, Blah, Blah".
What can we all learn from the world of Professional Wrestling? You can't take Huckabee too lightly, no matter what size the crackpot that he has supporting him.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Why Chris Berman Sucks!
There is exactly one thing that I am happy for with the Super Bowl. ESPN's Chris Berman goes away until the NFL Draft. I'll hit the high points of what you can look for between Saturday and Super Sunday:
1) "Da Schwam", aka The Swami, aka Chris Berman's character of himself acting like an ass. I think that grumbly voice of his was supposed an impression of Howard Cosell. Now it has been bastardized to Chris Berman doing an impression of himself doing an impression of Al Davis doing an impression of a drunken hobo doing an impression of Howard Cosell doing an impression of Chris Berman doing an impression of Howard Cosell after Cosell just spent four hours doing nothing but chain-smoking and screaming at the top of his lungs while chugging battery acid and trying to take a shit so massive that it required severe grunting and yelling.
2) Musical references that alienate any viewer under the age of 40. A good friend once told me that, "You stop listen to new music when you finish your education." I think this is close to correct (unless you are Mark, or a real fan of a band, or are TRULY in to music). Berman, this season, has referenced The Mamas and The Papas, Rod Stewart, The Beatles, The Eagles (for all the young people in to the newer music) and Jimi Hendrix. Way to broaden the horizons and bring in the younger viewer Chris! Additonally, his Berman nicknames do the same thing. Joseph "Live and Let" Addai, and Laurence "Boney" Maroney proves that "Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven is nowhere to be found on his iPod.
3) His self-referential over-inflated ego. Any Two-Minute Drill features Berman doing #1 and #2 on this list within the first twelve seconds of the TMD. At some point within the bit watch for Berman to show highlights of him: 1) In some commercial with Howie Long from 12 years ago. 2) In some old SportsCenter clips that exactly nobody cares about. 3) Doing a tour of the "frozen tundra" of Lambeau Field. 4) Paying golf and making some chip-in and everybody high-fiving him. 5) (And my personal fave) catching a pass for then-Tampa Bay QB Doug Williams. The best part of the catch is that Berman is probably 30-35 in the clip, and a) he catches the pass like a 4-year-old learning how to catch - proving that he never had any athletic ability in his life, b) his bald-guy-mullet is majestically flapping in the breeze, and c) he's about 80-150 pounds heavier now versus then.
4) His "I'm Chris Berman"-ness. Being that he's been around ESPN since the beginning, Berman still can reserve the right to do any game we wants. So he'll do the All-Star game home run derby, and the occasional baseball game where he'll boot someone out of a job. It's almost like a drive-by Berman!
5) Things I know about Berman that I just can't prove. I guarantee that Berman is that guy you work with that floats around the office just looking for anyone to talk to. He needs a conversation all the time and doesn’t care who the poor target is. He needs to say things like, "Did I ever tell you about the time I was at the BC game where Flutie threw the bomb to Phelan? And then the fan jumped in front of the camera? And then I glared at him?" And then he'll regale you with tales of how ESPN got started. Which was interesting the first five times you heard it, but after time number 1374, it gets a little old. I guarantee that Tom Jackson gets paid a bonus for combat pay for having to sit next to him for the past ten-plus years. I guarantee that, in reference to #3, there is some poor intern gets to sits with Berman in an editing for five hours every week listening to Berman tells stories and asking about his library of clips. This poor intern spends the three hours before the editing session drinking heavily and deep in prayer.
6) He'll never go away. He's going to be around forever. TV people love being on TV. And Berman's a ham-and-a-half (which is what he probably ate for lunch today). When he retires, he'll get 96 hours of all Berman all the time on ESPN of his greatest clips, his own SportCentury, and do an interview with himself talking to himself. Then he'll come back every one in a while just to prove to you that he's not dead, and still, quite obnoxious.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Super Bowl Thoughts (non-game related)
I'm going to post a three-part series on the Super Bowl, or SuperBowl related stuff. The first is the non-game related stuff.
* At some point, Gen X or Gen Y will be in charge of music selection for the Super Bowl. And until that day, I'll bitch. Just because Justin Timberlake whipped out Janet Jackson's boob to the world, doesn't mean that Tom Petty is a reasonable substitution for a halftime show (neither is Aerosmith, nor The Stones, nor Paul McCartney). Get Foo Fighters on stage. Take a shot with All-American Rejects. Get someone who's last major album was made after 1995. I'm becoming extremely afraid that Smokey Robinson or Charlie Daniels or a kazoo choir is going to be the halftime act next year. In fact, I'm going to stop writing now just in case somebody starts thinking that these are good ideas.
* A Super Bowl ad is $2.7 million for 30 seconds. You'd have to be a gutsy politico in order to drop that kind of green for a spot. I doubt that this phenomenon would happen, but it is not beyond the realm of possibility. You would have a very captive audience. But for some reason, it's taboo to do.
* Fine! I'll be the one that says it... throwing a Super Bowl party is not that hard. Under estimate the amount of beer you'll need (it is a workday after all). Have reinforcement food that you break out at half time and after the third quarter (mainly of the dessert variety).
But, whatever you do, do not serve any of the following party food that nobody eats:
1) A veggie tray with anything beyond carrots and broccoli (people eat the carrots and broccoli and leave you wondering what you're going to do with all of the celery, cauliflower, and tomatoes that nobody ate).
2) Anything involving fish. Well, except if you expect that one guy at the party who takes the shrimp cocktail tray, sits down and mows through it himself. But then again, that one guy probably bring the tray for himself anyway.
3) The pepperoni and cheese tray. Nothing reeks more of "I don't give a shit about this party" than someone showing up with the meats and cheeses tray. Even when it IS left as the only foodstuff left at the party, someone's ordering pizza. And even if people are eating it, there is still going to be that "cheese sweat" stuff after a few hours. And then it's off to see if the dog will eat it.
4) Anything involving raisins. Any batch of cookies, muffins, bagels, dried fruit, pancakes, ice cream, candy, or bread that is served with an assortment of flavors; the raisin-laced ones are always the ones left. Every time. Nobody likes raisins. I've checked. They'd much rather have them in their other form, grapes. So bring wine, grape juice, grape jelly, grapes (especially if you can arrange for scantily clad women to feed them to you, Roman style), and grape-flavored Flintstone vitamins!
* The Super Bowl is a very bittersweet game for a diehard NFL fan (NFL fan is identified as someone who can watch almost any decent game on TV regardless or whether or not his/her team is playing). First, the game is only really good about 30% of the time (40% are average, and the other 30% are why the commercials need to be great). Second, it represents the end of football season; which is a sad, sad thing. It is exciting, it is fun to watch the games, and the less there are, the worse it is. And now it is over for three months until the NFL Draft, then three more until training camp opens. Third, The NFL and March Madness are the only sports/sporting events that I can think of that are better earlier than they are later. March Madness is much better on the opening weekend than in is on Final Four weekend. There are more games, more chance for an upset; it is way more fun to watch. The NFL is the same way. The more games, the greater overall interest.
* The ads on TV and radio that reference the Super Bowl as "The Big Game" or "The Game" or "The Great American Football Contest" are almost funny, because the Super Bowl got tired of not making money off of every tiny little business using the Super Bowl as a way to attract business without paying ridiculously huge licensing fees. Which is great! The NCAA followed suit with March Madness. I hate that Kia dealerships have "March Madness", and the Super Bowl lead the charge. Great stuff!
Tomorrow night I'm going to blast on Chris Berman (which originally started as a bullet point and then morphed into its own post).
Friday night will be my breakdown of the Super Bowl.
* At some point, Gen X or Gen Y will be in charge of music selection for the Super Bowl. And until that day, I'll bitch. Just because Justin Timberlake whipped out Janet Jackson's boob to the world, doesn't mean that Tom Petty is a reasonable substitution for a halftime show (neither is Aerosmith, nor The Stones, nor Paul McCartney). Get Foo Fighters on stage. Take a shot with All-American Rejects. Get someone who's last major album was made after 1995. I'm becoming extremely afraid that Smokey Robinson or Charlie Daniels or a kazoo choir is going to be the halftime act next year. In fact, I'm going to stop writing now just in case somebody starts thinking that these are good ideas.
* A Super Bowl ad is $2.7 million for 30 seconds. You'd have to be a gutsy politico in order to drop that kind of green for a spot. I doubt that this phenomenon would happen, but it is not beyond the realm of possibility. You would have a very captive audience. But for some reason, it's taboo to do.
* Fine! I'll be the one that says it... throwing a Super Bowl party is not that hard. Under estimate the amount of beer you'll need (it is a workday after all). Have reinforcement food that you break out at half time and after the third quarter (mainly of the dessert variety).
But, whatever you do, do not serve any of the following party food that nobody eats:
1) A veggie tray with anything beyond carrots and broccoli (people eat the carrots and broccoli and leave you wondering what you're going to do with all of the celery, cauliflower, and tomatoes that nobody ate).
2) Anything involving fish. Well, except if you expect that one guy at the party who takes the shrimp cocktail tray, sits down and mows through it himself. But then again, that one guy probably bring the tray for himself anyway.
3) The pepperoni and cheese tray. Nothing reeks more of "I don't give a shit about this party" than someone showing up with the meats and cheeses tray. Even when it IS left as the only foodstuff left at the party, someone's ordering pizza. And even if people are eating it, there is still going to be that "cheese sweat" stuff after a few hours. And then it's off to see if the dog will eat it.
4) Anything involving raisins. Any batch of cookies, muffins, bagels, dried fruit, pancakes, ice cream, candy, or bread that is served with an assortment of flavors; the raisin-laced ones are always the ones left. Every time. Nobody likes raisins. I've checked. They'd much rather have them in their other form, grapes. So bring wine, grape juice, grape jelly, grapes (especially if you can arrange for scantily clad women to feed them to you, Roman style), and grape-flavored Flintstone vitamins!
* The Super Bowl is a very bittersweet game for a diehard NFL fan (NFL fan is identified as someone who can watch almost any decent game on TV regardless or whether or not his/her team is playing). First, the game is only really good about 30% of the time (40% are average, and the other 30% are why the commercials need to be great). Second, it represents the end of football season; which is a sad, sad thing. It is exciting, it is fun to watch the games, and the less there are, the worse it is. And now it is over for three months until the NFL Draft, then three more until training camp opens. Third, The NFL and March Madness are the only sports/sporting events that I can think of that are better earlier than they are later. March Madness is much better on the opening weekend than in is on Final Four weekend. There are more games, more chance for an upset; it is way more fun to watch. The NFL is the same way. The more games, the greater overall interest.
* The ads on TV and radio that reference the Super Bowl as "The Big Game" or "The Game" or "The Great American Football Contest" are almost funny, because the Super Bowl got tired of not making money off of every tiny little business using the Super Bowl as a way to attract business without paying ridiculously huge licensing fees. Which is great! The NCAA followed suit with March Madness. I hate that Kia dealerships have "March Madness", and the Super Bowl lead the charge. Great stuff!
Tomorrow night I'm going to blast on Chris Berman (which originally started as a bullet point and then morphed into its own post).
Friday night will be my breakdown of the Super Bowl.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
My Passion Bucket Has a Leak
Rick Neuheisel’s got his bucket when he hit UCLA. Kobe Bryant’s is playing with a full bucket. Everyone else seems to have passion buckets that overflow. All this talk of passion has made me wonder--Do I have a hole in my passion bucket? Over the past few months, my sports viewing habits have shifted from enthusiastic fan to scoreboard watcher. In late summer, I found myself setting the DVR for every pre-season NFL game and tuning into the uphill drama that was the Colorado Rockies and Chicago Cubs. Now, I tune into the second half of the NFL playoff games and watch only if the score is close and would rather watch Rick Smits swat middle aged men’s jump shots on Pros vs. Joes instead of Syracuse vs. Georgetown.
For a while I thought that my passion bucket was frozen and could
be attributed to the winter blah of the Northeast. I do have a passion for hot coffee, so maybe my passion bucket needs to be defrosted. Neuheisiel and Kobe are located in geographic areas where their passion buckets can sit at room temperature without moving into the third stage of a liquid. This theory was crippled last weekend as I watched the Giants vs. Packers playoff game in which the temperature was -2F and -26F with the wind chill. I don’t care who you are, that’s cold. Tom Coughlin’s face lost 3 layers of skin due a mix of wind burn and his internal hatred for his life and his team. But -26F can’t freeze a passion bucket. During the game 3 bikini clad cheese heads were willing to face the elements in a plea to keep Brett Farve because they had full passion buckets. (By the way, who knew people in Green Bay were in shape. I thought a diet of beer and brats made everyone look like Rick Majerus.)
This leaves me wondering, what’s wrong with my passion bucket? Maybe it’s the idea that sports have left me jaded and it’s supposed to be my release. Basketball is interesting, but March is really where all the action is. There is only one more football game, but like the college Bowl season, the wait in between games kills the momentum. Finally, around the corner is the game of summer. For me, the baseball season mirrors a college night at the bar. The night is full of possibilities and expectations are high. You walk in and see an attractive girl. Since you’re wearing your best shirt, fancy pants and hair product, there is a possibility that you have a shot. Drinks are purchased, the conversation is good and the night looks promising. As always, you operated under the National League philosophy of “Get them on, get'em over, and get'em home”. Then towards the end of the night, some asshole from NY or Boston comes in, flashes his bankroll, and the night is over with you looking from the outside in. Sure, there were a few bright spots, but when it's all said and done, you are watching some else close the deal while sitting at home on your couch.
What’s in your bucket?
For a while I thought that my passion bucket was frozen and could
be attributed to the winter blah of the Northeast. I do have a passion for hot coffee, so maybe my passion bucket needs to be defrosted. Neuheisiel and Kobe are located in geographic areas where their passion buckets can sit at room temperature without moving into the third stage of a liquid. This theory was crippled last weekend as I watched the Giants vs. Packers playoff game in which the temperature was -2F and -26F with the wind chill. I don’t care who you are, that’s cold. Tom Coughlin’s face lost 3 layers of skin due a mix of wind burn and his internal hatred for his life and his team. But -26F can’t freeze a passion bucket. During the game 3 bikini clad cheese heads were willing to face the elements in a plea to keep Brett Farve because they had full passion buckets. (By the way, who knew people in Green Bay were in shape. I thought a diet of beer and brats made everyone look like Rick Majerus.)This leaves me wondering, what’s wrong with my passion bucket? Maybe it’s the idea that sports have left me jaded and it’s supposed to be my release. Basketball is interesting, but March is really where all the action is. There is only one more football game, but like the college Bowl season, the wait in between games kills the momentum. Finally, around the corner is the game of summer. For me, the baseball season mirrors a college night at the bar. The night is full of possibilities and expectations are high. You walk in and see an attractive girl. Since you’re wearing your best shirt, fancy pants and hair product, there is a possibility that you have a shot. Drinks are purchased, the conversation is good and the night looks promising. As always, you operated under the National League philosophy of “Get them on, get'em over, and get'em home”. Then towards the end of the night, some asshole from NY or Boston comes in, flashes his bankroll, and the night is over with you looking from the outside in. Sure, there were a few bright spots, but when it's all said and done, you are watching some else close the deal while sitting at home on your couch.
What’s in your bucket?
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