Why Chris Berman Sucks!

There is exactly one thing that I am happy for with the Super Bowl. ESPN's Chris Berman goes away until the NFL Draft. I'll hit the high points of what you can look for between Saturday and Super Sunday:

1) "Da Schwam", aka The Swami, aka Chris Berman's character of himself acting like an ass. I think that grumbly voice of his was supposed an impression of Howard Cosell. Now it has been bastardized to Chris Berman doing an impression of himself doing an impression of Al Davis doing an impression of a drunken hobo doing an impression of Howard Cosell doing an impression of Chris Berman doing an impression of Howard Cosell after Cosell just spent four hours doing nothing but chain-smoking and screaming at the top of his lungs while chugging battery acid and trying to take a shit so massive that it required severe grunting and yelling.

2) Musical references that alienate any viewer under the age of 40. A good friend once told me that, "You stop listen to new music when you finish your education." I think this is close to correct (unless you are Mark, or a real fan of a band, or are TRULY in to music). Berman, this season, has referenced The Mamas and The Papas, Rod Stewart, The Beatles, The Eagles (for all the young people in to the newer music) and Jimi Hendrix. Way to broaden the horizons and bring in the younger viewer Chris! Additonally, his Berman nicknames do the same thing. Joseph "Live and Let" Addai, and Laurence "Boney" Maroney proves that "Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven is nowhere to be found on his iPod.

3) His self-referential over-inflated ego. Any Two-Minute Drill features Berman doing #1 and #2 on this list within the first twelve seconds of the TMD. At some point within the bit watch for Berman to show highlights of him: 1) In some commercial with Howie Long from 12 years ago. 2) In some old SportsCenter clips that exactly nobody cares about. 3) Doing a tour of the "frozen tundra" of Lambeau Field. 4) Paying golf and making some chip-in and everybody high-fiving him. 5) (And my personal fave) catching a pass for then-Tampa Bay QB Doug Williams. The best part of the catch is that Berman is probably 30-35 in the clip, and a) he catches the pass like a 4-year-old learning how to catch - proving that he never had any athletic ability in his life, b) his bald-guy-mullet is majestically flapping in the breeze, and c) he's about 80-150 pounds heavier now versus then.

4) His "I'm Chris Berman"-ness. Being that he's been around ESPN since the beginning, Berman still can reserve the right to do any game we wants. So he'll do the All-Star game home run derby, and the occasional baseball game where he'll boot someone out of a job. It's almost like a drive-by Berman!

5) Things I know about Berman that I just can't prove. I guarantee that Berman is that guy you work with that floats around the office just looking for anyone to talk to. He needs a conversation all the time and doesn’t care who the poor target is. He needs to say things like, "Did I ever tell you about the time I was at the BC game where Flutie threw the bomb to Phelan? And then the fan jumped in front of the camera? And then I glared at him?" And then he'll regale you with tales of how ESPN got started. Which was interesting the first five times you heard it, but after time number 1374, it gets a little old. I guarantee that Tom Jackson gets paid a bonus for combat pay for having to sit next to him for the past ten-plus years. I guarantee that, in reference to #3, there is some poor intern gets to sits with Berman in an editing for five hours every week listening to Berman tells stories and asking about his library of clips. This poor intern spends the three hours before the editing session drinking heavily and deep in prayer.

6) He'll never go away. He's going to be around forever. TV people love being on TV. And Berman's a ham-and-a-half (which is what he probably ate for lunch today). When he retires, he'll get 96 hours of all Berman all the time on ESPN of his greatest clips, his own SportCentury, and do an interview with himself talking to himself. Then he'll come back every one in a while just to prove to you that he's not dead, and still, quite obnoxious.