Why Chris Berman Sucks!

There is exactly one thing that I am happy for with the Super Bowl. ESPN's Chris Berman goes away until the NFL Draft. I'll hit the high points of what you can look for between Saturday and Super Sunday:

1) "Da Schwam", aka The Swami, aka Chris Berman's character of himself acting like an ass. I think that grumbly voice of his was supposed an impression of Howard Cosell. Now it has been bastardized to Chris Berman doing an impression of himself doing an impression of Al Davis doing an impression of a drunken hobo doing an impression of Howard Cosell doing an impression of Chris Berman doing an impression of Howard Cosell after Cosell just spent four hours doing nothing but chain-smoking and screaming at the top of his lungs while chugging battery acid and trying to take a shit so massive that it required severe grunting and yelling.

2) Musical references that alienate any viewer under the age of 40. A good friend once told me that, "You stop listen to new music when you finish your education." I think this is close to correct (unless you are Mark, or a real fan of a band, or are TRULY in to music). Berman, this season, has referenced The Mamas and The Papas, Rod Stewart, The Beatles, The Eagles (for all the young people in to the newer music) and Jimi Hendrix. Way to broaden the horizons and bring in the younger viewer Chris! Additonally, his Berman nicknames do the same thing. Joseph "Live and Let" Addai, and Laurence "Boney" Maroney proves that "Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven is nowhere to be found on his iPod.

3) His self-referential over-inflated ego. Any Two-Minute Drill features Berman doing #1 and #2 on this list within the first twelve seconds of the TMD. At some point within the bit watch for Berman to show highlights of him: 1) In some commercial with Howie Long from 12 years ago. 2) In some old SportsCenter clips that exactly nobody cares about. 3) Doing a tour of the "frozen tundra" of Lambeau Field. 4) Paying golf and making some chip-in and everybody high-fiving him. 5) (And my personal fave) catching a pass for then-Tampa Bay QB Doug Williams. The best part of the catch is that Berman is probably 30-35 in the clip, and a) he catches the pass like a 4-year-old learning how to catch - proving that he never had any athletic ability in his life, b) his bald-guy-mullet is majestically flapping in the breeze, and c) he's about 80-150 pounds heavier now versus then.

4) His "I'm Chris Berman"-ness. Being that he's been around ESPN since the beginning, Berman still can reserve the right to do any game we wants. So he'll do the All-Star game home run derby, and the occasional baseball game where he'll boot someone out of a job. It's almost like a drive-by Berman!

5) Things I know about Berman that I just can't prove. I guarantee that Berman is that guy you work with that floats around the office just looking for anyone to talk to. He needs a conversation all the time and doesn’t care who the poor target is. He needs to say things like, "Did I ever tell you about the time I was at the BC game where Flutie threw the bomb to Phelan? And then the fan jumped in front of the camera? And then I glared at him?" And then he'll regale you with tales of how ESPN got started. Which was interesting the first five times you heard it, but after time number 1374, it gets a little old. I guarantee that Tom Jackson gets paid a bonus for combat pay for having to sit next to him for the past ten-plus years. I guarantee that, in reference to #3, there is some poor intern gets to sits with Berman in an editing for five hours every week listening to Berman tells stories and asking about his library of clips. This poor intern spends the three hours before the editing session drinking heavily and deep in prayer.

6) He'll never go away. He's going to be around forever. TV people love being on TV. And Berman's a ham-and-a-half (which is what he probably ate for lunch today). When he retires, he'll get 96 hours of all Berman all the time on ESPN of his greatest clips, his own SportCentury, and do an interview with himself talking to himself. Then he'll come back every one in a while just to prove to you that he's not dead, and still, quite obnoxious.

Super Bowl Thoughts (non-game related)

I'm going to post a three-part series on the Super Bowl, or SuperBowl related stuff. The first is the non-game related stuff.

* At some point, Gen X or Gen Y will be in charge of music selection for the Super Bowl. And until that day, I'll bitch. Just because Justin Timberlake whipped out Janet Jackson's boob to the world, doesn't mean that Tom Petty is a reasonable substitution for a halftime show (neither is Aerosmith, nor The Stones, nor Paul McCartney). Get Foo Fighters on stage. Take a shot with All-American Rejects. Get someone who's last major album was made after 1995. I'm becoming extremely afraid that Smokey Robinson or Charlie Daniels or a kazoo choir is going to be the halftime act next year. In fact, I'm going to stop writing now just in case somebody starts thinking that these are good ideas.

* A Super Bowl ad is $2.7 million for 30 seconds. You'd have to be a gutsy politico in order to drop that kind of green for a spot. I doubt that this phenomenon would happen, but it is not beyond the realm of possibility. You would have a very captive audience. But for some reason, it's taboo to do.

* Fine! I'll be the one that says it... throwing a Super Bowl party is not that hard. Under estimate the amount of beer you'll need (it is a workday after all). Have reinforcement food that you break out at half time and after the third quarter (mainly of the dessert variety).

But, whatever you do, do not serve any of the following party food that nobody eats:

1) A veggie tray with anything beyond carrots and broccoli (people eat the carrots and broccoli and leave you wondering what you're going to do with all of the celery, cauliflower, and tomatoes that nobody ate).

2) Anything involving fish. Well, except if you expect that one guy at the party who takes the shrimp cocktail tray, sits down and mows through it himself. But then again, that one guy probably bring the tray for himself anyway.

3) The pepperoni and cheese tray. Nothing reeks more of "I don't give a shit about this party" than someone showing up with the meats and cheeses tray. Even when it IS left as the only foodstuff left at the party, someone's ordering pizza. And even if people are eating it, there is still going to be that "cheese sweat" stuff after a few hours. And then it's off to see if the dog will eat it.

4) Anything involving raisins. Any batch of cookies, muffins, bagels, dried fruit, pancakes, ice cream, candy, or bread that is served with an assortment of flavors; the raisin-laced ones are always the ones left. Every time. Nobody likes raisins. I've checked. They'd much rather have them in their other form, grapes. So bring wine, grape juice, grape jelly, grapes (especially if you can arrange for scantily clad women to feed them to you, Roman style), and grape-flavored Flintstone vitamins!

* The Super Bowl is a very bittersweet game for a diehard NFL fan (NFL fan is identified as someone who can watch almost any decent game on TV regardless or whether or not his/her team is playing). First, the game is only really good about 30% of the time (40% are average, and the other 30% are why the commercials need to be great). Second, it represents the end of football season; which is a sad, sad thing. It is exciting, it is fun to watch the games, and the less there are, the worse it is. And now it is over for three months until the NFL Draft, then three more until training camp opens. Third, The NFL and March Madness are the only sports/sporting events that I can think of that are better earlier than they are later. March Madness is much better on the opening weekend than in is on Final Four weekend. There are more games, more chance for an upset; it is way more fun to watch. The NFL is the same way. The more games, the greater overall interest.

* The ads on TV and radio that reference the Super Bowl as "The Big Game" or "The Game" or "The Great American Football Contest" are almost funny, because the Super Bowl got tired of not making money off of every tiny little business using the Super Bowl as a way to attract business without paying ridiculously huge licensing fees. Which is great! The NCAA followed suit with March Madness. I hate that Kia dealerships have "March Madness", and the Super Bowl lead the charge. Great stuff!

Tomorrow night I'm going to blast on Chris Berman (which originally started as a bullet point and then morphed into its own post).

Friday night will be my breakdown of the Super Bowl.

My Passion Bucket Has a Leak

Rick Neuheisel’s got his bucket when he hit UCLA. Kobe Bryant’s is playing with a full bucket. Everyone else seems to have passion buckets that overflow. All this talk of passion has made me wonder--Do I have a hole in my passion bucket? Over the past few months, my sports viewing habits have shifted from enthusiastic fan to scoreboard watcher. In late summer, I found myself setting the DVR for every pre-season NFL game and tuning into the uphill drama that was the Colorado Rockies and Chicago Cubs. Now, I tune into the second half of the NFL playoff games and watch only if the score is close and would rather watch Rick Smits swat middle aged men’s jump shots on Pros vs. Joes instead of Syracuse vs. Georgetown.

For a while I thought that my passion bucket was frozen and could be attributed to the winter blah of the Northeast. I do have a passion for hot coffee, so maybe my passion bucket needs to be defrosted. Neuheisiel and Kobe are located in geographic areas where their passion buckets can sit at room temperature without moving into the third stage of a liquid. This theory was crippled last weekend as I watched the Giants vs. Packers playoff game in which the temperature was -2F and -26F with the wind chill. I don’t care who you are, that’s cold. Tom Coughlin’s face lost 3 layers of skin due a mix of wind burn and his internal hatred for his life and his team. But -26F can’t freeze a passion bucket. During the game 3 bikini clad cheese heads were willing to face the elements in a plea to keep Brett Farve because they had full passion buckets. (By the way, who knew people in Green Bay were in shape. I thought a diet of beer and brats made everyone look like Rick Majerus.)

This leaves me wondering, what’s wrong with my passion bucket? Maybe it’s the idea that sports have left me jaded and it’s supposed to be my release. Basketball is interesting, but March is really where all the action is. There is only one more football game, but like the college Bowl season, the wait in between games kills the momentum. Finally, around the corner is the game of summer. For me, the baseball season mirrors a college night at the bar. The night is full of possibilities and expectations are high. You walk in and see an attractive girl. Since you’re wearing your best shirt, fancy pants and hair product, there is a possibility that you have a shot. Drinks are purchased, the conversation is good and the night looks promising. As always, you operated under the National League philosophy of “Get them on, get'em over, and get'em home”. Then towards the end of the night, some asshole from NY or Boston comes in, flashes his bankroll, and the night is over with you looking from the outside in. Sure, there were a few bright spots, but when it's all said and done, you are watching some else close the deal while sitting at home on your couch.

What’s in your bucket?

Talkin' Baseball

There's a ton of college hoops excitement around here right now, but I am also starting to look forward to the upcoming Reds season, given the club's substantial off-season moves. You may question my use of the word "substantial", but let's face it: Bob Castellini has stepped up and shown a commitment to making the team and the organization successful.

The Dusty Baker and Walt Jocketty hirings are huge. These are two well-respected and successful baseball minds that are now helping lead the organization. Team them with Wayne Krivsky, who I feel has taken a bum rap (the man got us Brandon Phillips and the since-traded Josh Hamilton in exchange for nothing, and he has now put them in a contending position after starting with very little just a couple of years ago), and you have a respected, experienced leadership base.

On-field improvements are also evident. The pitching rotation has a lot of potential at this point. On top of Harang and Arroyo returning, you also have 3 of the following five pitchers to add to the rotation: a more experienced Homer Bailey, the newly acquired Jeremy Affeldt (who had decent bullpen numbers last year, especially considering his home ballpark was Coors Field), Johnny Cueto -- hopefully, Edinson Volquez, and Matt Belisle. And if the Reds are in a contending position at mid-season, they may have the opportunity to trade Dunn (or Griffey) for a decent pitcher, if necessary. I see a lot of potential, but at the same time, we have to temper our expectations in the cozy wind tunnel known as Great American Ballpark.

The veteran offense is there -- Phillips, Dunn, Griffey, Hatteburg, etc., the team's fielding is solid, and hopefully Javier Valentin can play catcher everyday, except when Arroyo pitches (don't want to mess with the chemistry with his cuz). And on top of all this, they have two stars waiting in the wings -- Joey Votto and Jay Bruce, who should both see a lot of playing time.

How long until pitchers and catchers report? It's getting close...

What's great about the American Idol tryouts!

I am one of the 30-something million viewers that check out American Idol. And I don't really care what unmanly responses I get. Or the old fashioned, "Do you how I know you're gay?" line. I only watch the show until the final 40 people, or whatever the number is. Y'know, when the people vote. As soon as the popularity contest starts, the show becomes unwatchable. The best singers don't win, and the gimmicky singers advance. However, watching the American Idol tryouts you learn a few things about music and American people!

1) The Big Three Know Music
Watch the judges (when a borderline to good person is singing, not a train wreck). They first, look at the singer singing. Then they look away an hear what they sound like on the radio or on a CD. Then they look back at the person to stop them. Then they judge the person, and they come to the proper conclusion virtually every time. Well, every time the editors of the show put someone good on the air.

As for the wonderful self-unaware (more about them later), they always say on their way out: "You will hear from me some day". Have we ever? Nope. Not at all. Why? Because they generally are, in fact, terrible. But that's not what cats say to them...

2) The self-unaware are great!
The self-unaware are the people who think they can sing, but actually sound like they have their jaws wired shut! Meanwhile, they all have the same reaction (in order):

Pride (in the singing job they did)

Shock (when Simon says that they're singing sounded like a fire engine backing over the firehouse dalmatian who was biting on the junk of a blue-balled frat guy)

Rage (how dare they question their shower singing?!?!?!)

Dismay (the argument)

Storming-out-of-the-room-to-continue-making-an-ass-out-of-yourself-on-national-TV.

These are the same people that routinely ask out the class babe when they are on the debate team, and are shocked at the perpetual rejection.

3) When your co-workers tell you that you should try out for American Idol. Get a second opinion. Then a third.
Nothing is better than when some sad bastard tried out for the show, and they bomb, only to follow it up with the comment, "my co-workers said that I should try out." If the judges destroy you, that should tell you the following:

a) You co-workers harbor a special kind of hatred for you. Meaning that not only are you hated, you are hated by everyone. Not only that, your co-workers discussed just how much they fucking hated you, like, every day, for years (they might even have a name for this club that involves your name and the word "douchebag" or "butt-munch"). Then they decided that they needed a break from you, and (as a kicker) to have you publicly humiliated at the same time.

b) When you return to work, know that your co-workers had a viewing party to watch you sing, taped it and they have it on their computers at work just waiting for you to do whatever you did to drive them crazy.

c) You need to start looking for a new job... in another country.

4) Assholes make the show!
And I'm not talking about Simon Cowell, (though you have to admit he makes the judging). I'm talking about the people that do the pre-auditions. American Idol has about 25,000 people trying out per location. What that means is the if The Big Three actually sat through a two minute audition of each of the auditioners without eating, sleeping or going to the bathroom, it would take them over 34 days to make it through everyone. I

nstead they have prescreeners (or at least I'm guessing). And these guys have to hear every singer (about 70% suck; 20% are karaoke all-stars; 5% have a shot; and 5% are fucking terrible). So one day some asshole got tired listening to crap, and decided just for fun to send then next really bad person through.

And then this guy came in, sang so seriously, and the prescreener kept a straight face, said something like, "YES! You are awesome! Go see The Big Three!!!!", and sent him on his way. The guy was really psyched, and couldn't wait. Then this happened: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwMjpt62Ja4.

Comedy gold!

Only a true asshole would have started this trend.

Shuffle up and deal

My level of participation in the poker world has been limited over the last few years by the restrictions imposed by federal legislation shutting down online gaming and my level of sleep deprivation caused by child rearing. I pledged that 2008 would be the year my absence would end. This past weekend I took my first step and played in a NL tournament. The solitude of my drive home provided time for me to formulate how I should gauge the successfulness of this year’s expedition?

2008 Success Variables:
Net Winnings or Losses $$$
Money Percentage = Number of Cashes / Number of Tourneys
Victory Percentage = Number of Wins / Number of Tourneys
Depth survived in the tourney (ex. 60 enter, 28th busted, top 47%)
Positive points for busting out when making the right move
Negative points for busting out when chasing or bluffing

My hope for this system of measurement is that I can qualitatively capture the overall experience. I’ve tried to utilize the Buddhist Philosophy of “Enjoy the journey”, but there isn’t a tournament to date where I have been sent to the rail and I haven’t felt as if I were just kicked in the balls. If I win, I’m walking 3 steps above the ground. On the painful flip side, if I lose, I feel as though summer has ended and the cute girl that I’ve invested the last 3 months in is returning home-- 3000 miles away.

So, you are probably wondering how I did this weekend. I was able to add one more item to my first time list (currently comprised of: made final table, won tournament, assumed roll of bubble boy). This time the new entry is PLAYED ONE HAND. The abridged version goes like this. I folded the first round and a half with marginal hole cards. My stack was mid-size at the table and I was waiting to enter a pot when I could raise. At the 30 minute mark, I look down to find two rolled up Aces, so I figure I should play. A raise of 4x the big blind by me took the players down to 3. Mr. Big stack bet out $400 on a flop of Qh, 8s, & 10s. At this point I have top pair and ~1200 in chips with 1400 in the pot. I put Mr. Big Stack on A-Q (he was playing pretty loose and had won a pot with K-9 a few hands ago) so I move all in. The other lady folds and he calls with Qc-9d. The turn is a 4d and the river……9h.

Yep that’s poker. To date, I’m down $115, 0% for Money and Victories and I’ve survived longer than 10% of the field. I get a point for making the right move when busting out (up for argument). I’m still working on how to weight the success variables to determine is this was a good day or not.

Follow-Up to Sitcom Post

Speaking of lessons learned from sitcoms, there are three requisite episode plots that every TV sitcom since 1984 has utilized when the show's writers just felt like mailing it in. If the networks and production companies really wanted to, they could very easily re-purpose these plots for current sitcoms during the writers' strike...

1) The "Parents/authority figures are out of town/let's throw a party" episode
Examples: The Cosby Show, 227, Growing Pains, Different World, the list goes on...
Teenage son/daughter or teenage son/daughter's peers: "Hey, my/your parents are gone, let's have a party, they'll never find out."
Party happens, destruction of property occurs, kids try to cover it up before the parents get back.
Surprise: Parents are home early and walk in on party OR parents arrive home after their trip and find a tell-tale sign of a party -- broken furniture, knick-knacks destroyed, etc. C'mon.
2) The "My friend/family member's pet died of natural causes or I lost the pet while I was pet-sitting, and now I have to replace the pet instead of telling the truth" episode
Examples: The Cosby Show, Growing Pains, countless others.
Requires no explanation -- imposter pet is purchased, imposter pet is often painted to look like real pet. The owner always knows it's a fake. This scheme was even utilized as part of the action in the film "Meet the Parents". This plot needs to be retired. It's overdone. Enough said.
3) The "One of the main characters is sick and is being a pain in the butt" episode
Examples: The Cosby Show, Who's the Boss? (eh-o...o-eh, Angeler!), 227, etc.
A bell is often given to the sick character to allow him or her to summon the character taking care of him or her. This results in annoying and petty requests by the sick character and a high level of tension between the two characters.
Seriously -- TV can and should do better than this.

Things that family sitcoms since 1984 have taught us.

With the writer's strike going on, I have been watching old shows, or reruns of shows that I do not normally catch, or just have not thought of in a long time. After seeing more than my share of family sitcoms. I have come to a few conclusions about real life that I have learned by watching the family sitcom.

1) Everyone has an obnoxious neighbor, relative, or friend that shows up entirely too much.

Examples: Full House; Family Matters; Everybody Loves Raymond; Cosby Show; Married with Children; Family Ties; Roseanne

This is called comic relief. But, in real life, if you really had a neighbor that just happened to be in your house all of the time, believe me, you would have had a restraining order slapped on them after about three weeks. Coming home to seeing Steve Urkel waiting for me, would be enough for me to move in the middle of the night like the Baltimore Colts, and change my name, and build a really wide moat around my property, and fill said moat with sharks and aligators, and rarely feed the aligators and sharks so they remain hungry all the time.

2) Men are really, really, stupid. Like IQ of about 85, stupid.

Examples: According to Jim; Still Standing; Home Improvement; King of Queens

The reason this exists is because feminists would start letter-writing campaigns and protests and burn down studios over just one "women are so stupid" joke. This have leaked over into commercials too. Dumb guy loses a battle of wits to smarter females all the time in advertising. And men? Don't really care. Which is why we don't think about it too hard Doug Heffernan's or According to Jim's Jim's crazy schemes fail miserably.

3) Any fat, goofy, dumb (but, semi-funny) guy can land a smoking hot robo-babe

Examples: According to Jim; Still Standing; Family Guy; King of Queens; Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Take a good long look at this picture: http://www.pazsaz.com/newsite/hiptv/pics/stllstnd.jpg. Back in reality there is no way this guy (who we have already established is fat and dumb, and probably marginally employed) is picking up a smoking hot wife like that. In real life, the exchange looks closer to this:

(While in a bar, HIM tries to talk to HER)
HIM (after eight beers, staring at her boobs): Hey, how are you doing?
HER (pulls out a can of pepper spray, empties the can in his face and the back up can down his pants (just in case)): Rape! Rape! I have a right to protect myself!
HIM (rolling in the floor in pain, crying while talking): I just said 'Hi'! What the hell was that?
HER (talking into a cell phone): Yes, is this 9-1-1? I have a man here who was trying to rape me, and I subdued him with pepper spray. Can you bring the electric chair straight over here?

4) Women are in charge of everything because men are really, really stupid. Like IQ of about 85, stupid.

Examples: Cosby Show; King of Queens; The Simpsons; Family Guy; Everybody Loves Raymond

Cliff Huxtable was not allowed to eat anything or fix anything or talk to the kids about anything important or tie his shoes. Homer can not save money, or do anything responsible. Peter had been diagnosed as technically retarded. Ray screws things up on purpose to avoid further responsibilities. And Carrie kicks Doug in the groin whenever he speaks. OK, I made that last sentence up, but the rest is 100% true.

5) Your kids are nothing like you: they are smart and/or dumb and/or athletic and/or talented and/or have totally different interests than either parent.

Examples: The Simpsons; Still Standing; Growing Pains; Home Improvement; Family Ties; Roseanne

Remember when the youngest Taylor on Home Improvement went from cute boy with a lisp to hate-filled goth in the matter of one season? No Simpson plays music other than Lisa and her sax. Carol Seaver was too smart for the family, and Mike Seaver was too dumb. Alex Keaton was a raging republic in the face of his hippie love-child parents.

I am pretty sure that most kids have similar interests to at least one parent. Right? You'd think so.

2008- Sports Free Zone??

What would it take for you to give up sports for one year?

I’ve been thinking about this question for the past 2 days. READ ABOUT IT HERE. After wrestling with the idea and seeing if I could get buy in from my wife (who is a major sports fan herself), I decided I couldn’t do it. Will someone else pick up the challenge and see how it changes your outlook on life?
Here are some basic ground rules I established while pondering this act of abstention:

· Any active following of sporting events would be strictly prohibited.
· No engaging in conversations about sporting events or any new regarding sports.
* I was not required to excuse myself from conversations regarding sports, if this would be deemed social offensive
· If sports were on inside a restaurant or home while I was present, all efforts should be made to engage in some other activity instead of viewing.

In the end, I decided that my price would be someone willing to pay me to write a book about the experience (that might sway my wife into participating).