1) The Big Three Know Music
Watch the judges (when a borderline to good person is singing, not a train wreck). They first, look at the singer singing. Then they look away an hear what they sound like on the radio or on a CD. Then they look back at the person to stop them. Then they judge the person, and they come to the proper conclusion virtually every time. Well, every time the editors of the show put someone good on the air.
As for the wonderful self-unaware (more about them later), they always say on their way out: "You will hear from me some day". Have we ever? Nope. Not at all. Why? Because they generally are, in fact, terrible. But that's not what cats say to them...
2) The self-unaware are great!
The self-unaware are the people who think they can sing, but actually sound like they have their jaws wired shut! Meanwhile, they all have the same reaction (in order):
Pride (in the singing job they did)
Shock (when Simon says that they're singing sounded like a fire engine backing over the firehouse dalmatian who was biting on the junk of a blue-balled frat guy)
Rage (how dare they question their shower singing?!?!?!)
Dismay (the argument)
Storming-out-of-the-room-to-continue-making-an-ass-out-of-yourself-on-national-TV.
These are the same people that routinely ask out the class babe when they are on the debate team, and are shocked at the perpetual rejection.
3) When your co-workers tell you that you should try out for American Idol. Get a second opinion. Then a third.
Nothing is better than when some sad bastard tried out for the show, and they bomb, only to follow it up with the comment, "my co-workers said that I should try out." If the judges destroy you, that should tell you the following:
a) You co-workers harbor a special kind of hatred for you. Meaning that not only are you hated, you are hated by everyone. Not only that, your co-workers discussed just how much they fucking hated you, like, every day, for years (they might even have a name for this club that involves your name and the word "douchebag" or "butt-munch"). Then they decided that they needed a break from you, and (as a kicker) to have you publicly humiliated at the same time.
b) When you return to work, know that your co-workers had a viewing party to watch you sing, taped it and they have it on their computers at work just waiting for you to do whatever you did to drive them crazy.
c) You need to start looking for a new job... in another country.
4) Assholes make the show!
And I'm not talking about Simon Cowell, (though you have to admit he makes the judging). I'm talking about the people that do the pre-auditions. American Idol has about 25,000 people trying out per location. What that means is the if The Big Three actually sat through a two minute audition of each of the auditioners without eating, sleeping or going to the bathroom, it would take them over 34 days to make it through everyone. I
nstead they have prescreeners (or at least I'm guessing). And these guys have to hear every singer (about 70% suck; 20% are karaoke all-stars; 5% have a shot; and 5% are fucking terrible). So one day some asshole got tired listening to crap, and decided just for fun to send then next really bad person through.
And then this guy came in, sang so seriously, and the prescreener kept a straight face, said something like, "YES! You are awesome! Go see The Big Three!!!!", and sent him on his way. The guy was really psyched, and couldn't wait. Then this happened: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwMjpt62Ja4.
Comedy gold!
Only a true asshole would have started this trend.
1 comment:
I can't watch this show without a feeling of shame. It's not the performers that are grasping for their one shot at 12.3 minutes of fame that makes my soul ache....it's Seacrest.
HI, I'm 5'5", bleech my teeth, inherited Carson Daily's career and lucked into this hosting gig with my loser buddy who I killed after the first season and stuck in a suitcase in my basement.
I suck....Out.
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