Things that family sitcoms since 1984 have taught us.

With the writer's strike going on, I have been watching old shows, or reruns of shows that I do not normally catch, or just have not thought of in a long time. After seeing more than my share of family sitcoms. I have come to a few conclusions about real life that I have learned by watching the family sitcom.

1) Everyone has an obnoxious neighbor, relative, or friend that shows up entirely too much.

Examples: Full House; Family Matters; Everybody Loves Raymond; Cosby Show; Married with Children; Family Ties; Roseanne

This is called comic relief. But, in real life, if you really had a neighbor that just happened to be in your house all of the time, believe me, you would have had a restraining order slapped on them after about three weeks. Coming home to seeing Steve Urkel waiting for me, would be enough for me to move in the middle of the night like the Baltimore Colts, and change my name, and build a really wide moat around my property, and fill said moat with sharks and aligators, and rarely feed the aligators and sharks so they remain hungry all the time.

2) Men are really, really, stupid. Like IQ of about 85, stupid.

Examples: According to Jim; Still Standing; Home Improvement; King of Queens

The reason this exists is because feminists would start letter-writing campaigns and protests and burn down studios over just one "women are so stupid" joke. This have leaked over into commercials too. Dumb guy loses a battle of wits to smarter females all the time in advertising. And men? Don't really care. Which is why we don't think about it too hard Doug Heffernan's or According to Jim's Jim's crazy schemes fail miserably.

3) Any fat, goofy, dumb (but, semi-funny) guy can land a smoking hot robo-babe

Examples: According to Jim; Still Standing; Family Guy; King of Queens; Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Take a good long look at this picture: http://www.pazsaz.com/newsite/hiptv/pics/stllstnd.jpg. Back in reality there is no way this guy (who we have already established is fat and dumb, and probably marginally employed) is picking up a smoking hot wife like that. In real life, the exchange looks closer to this:

(While in a bar, HIM tries to talk to HER)
HIM (after eight beers, staring at her boobs): Hey, how are you doing?
HER (pulls out a can of pepper spray, empties the can in his face and the back up can down his pants (just in case)): Rape! Rape! I have a right to protect myself!
HIM (rolling in the floor in pain, crying while talking): I just said 'Hi'! What the hell was that?
HER (talking into a cell phone): Yes, is this 9-1-1? I have a man here who was trying to rape me, and I subdued him with pepper spray. Can you bring the electric chair straight over here?

4) Women are in charge of everything because men are really, really stupid. Like IQ of about 85, stupid.

Examples: Cosby Show; King of Queens; The Simpsons; Family Guy; Everybody Loves Raymond

Cliff Huxtable was not allowed to eat anything or fix anything or talk to the kids about anything important or tie his shoes. Homer can not save money, or do anything responsible. Peter had been diagnosed as technically retarded. Ray screws things up on purpose to avoid further responsibilities. And Carrie kicks Doug in the groin whenever he speaks. OK, I made that last sentence up, but the rest is 100% true.

5) Your kids are nothing like you: they are smart and/or dumb and/or athletic and/or talented and/or have totally different interests than either parent.

Examples: The Simpsons; Still Standing; Growing Pains; Home Improvement; Family Ties; Roseanne

Remember when the youngest Taylor on Home Improvement went from cute boy with a lisp to hate-filled goth in the matter of one season? No Simpson plays music other than Lisa and her sax. Carol Seaver was too smart for the family, and Mike Seaver was too dumb. Alex Keaton was a raging republic in the face of his hippie love-child parents.

I am pretty sure that most kids have similar interests to at least one parent. Right? You'd think so.